Impossible To Love – Episode 5

By Tunde Oni

As soon as I drove back into the compound, I saw him sitting on the floor just outside the front door. He must have driven home immediately after sending me that ridiculous text message. I braced myself as soon as I parked the car. I definitely had nothing to say to him.

He started to walk up to me,

�I am sorry baby, what happened? Did you do it?� he was begging as I walked on not stopping until I reached the front door. I turned to him once I reached the door, I said,

�Like you implied in your text, it�s my choice whatever I choose to do. Do not even bother to ask me what I did��, I walked inside and slammed the door shut.

 I waited for sometime expecting him to walk in and follow me, but when I heard the sound of his car driving away; I knew he had left me again. I felt so deflated. As angry as I was, I still wanted him to beg me. I still wanted him to want to work hard on our marriage. After all, I had decided not to have an abortion in order to try and disappoint King. I figured if having an abortion was going to make him happy, he was in for a big surprise.

I woke up the next morning feeling some cramps and slight back aches. I struggled out of bed and got into the shower hoping to find some relief but it got worse. I was still in the shower when I felt the first blood clot dropping. The stomach pain was getting worse. I rushed out of the shower and hastily wore a dress. It was one of those days I truly regretted my situation. Living alone can be a nightmare. I grabbed my car keys and drove as fast as I could to the hospital. I was seriously hoping I did not just have a miscarriage. By the time I got to the hospital, I was bleeding profusely and the sanitary pads I used were absolutely inadequate. I was immediately rushed to an emergency room and everything else from that point was a blur.

 I sent a text message to my mum about my situation an hour later when I was being wheeled to the theatre for an emergency dilation and curettage. I had a miscarriage and they had to clean up my insides to avoid remnants. I was informed I was actually expecting twins and to think that I just lost them both. The pain was unbearable as they did the whole procedure. I had specifically refused any anaesthetics. I deserve whatever pain I was feeling, I was convinced that trying to abort my babies was what caused my abortion. They felt unwanted. I knew deep down in my mind I could never have gone through with it. Five minutes of excruciating pains later, I was wheeled into a room to rest and my mum was already waiting. I felt empty. My children had gone because they felt all the hate and negativity in my marriage. I was absolutely inconsolable. My mum sat on the hospital bed with me holding my hands and trying to tell me everything was okay and others will come.

With tears in my eyes, �mum I killed them, I killed them, I killed them….� I kept ranting till sleep took over.

 I woke up about 4 hours later still in the hospital. My mum was sitting in the chair by my bedside.

�How are you feeling now darling?�

�The pain is gone, I just feel a bit tired.�

�Don�t worry my dear; you�ll have many more children for your husband. Let us call him and tell him, give me his Kenyan number.�

�Mum you cannot call him�, the tears started afresh. I was crying for all the pain this so called marriage had caused me.

�Why not? He needs to know and he needs to come home to his wife at this time.�

I finally got tired of all the cover ups. I had bottled up so much in the last two years and I could not do it any longer. �Mum, King is not in Kenya. He left me.�

The shock was evident on her face even though she tried her best to mask it. �What do you mean he left you?�

I started at the very beginning and began to tell her every single detail of my marriage in the last two years.


The knock on the door was quite hesitant. I wondered who it could be this early on a Tuesday when I would ordinarily have been at work. How many people know I am on leave that would warrant visitors? I just finished speaking to my mum so I knew she was not at my door.  I peeped through the window and saw a man with a parcel in his hand. I knew I was not expecting a delivery but I hesitantly opened the door.

�Good morning madam, are you Mrs Esther Dike?��

��Yes please�

��You have a letter�.

�I am not expecting any message but it�s fine anyway�

��Please sign here��, he said as he handed me a form to append my signature. I quickly signed and said my goodbye already tearing the letter open as I closed the door. It took a while for my mind to register what I was seeing. I could not process it. King had gone to court to file for divorce based on irreconcilable differences and I was being served a notice to appear in court. How can he be asking for a divorce?

I really thought things were finally going to get better after I spoke to my mum. She took steps to see King but even though they had not seen, she had told him about the miscarriage on the phone. I haven�t heard from him and I wondered if he was not even worried about the miscarriage enough to call me. I was still waiting on that for the past two weeks but this court notice is just beyond me. I was shocked and absolutely confused. What reason could King possibly have to divorce me? I am definitely the victim in this marriage and if I am still toughing it out, why will he want to give up? I was too confused; I decided to call him on the spot. I just need to hear his thoughts. I was quite surprised that he picked on the first ring;

��I see you got the notice.�� There was so much bitterness and disgust steaming from those words but I decided to keep calm and get what I need.

��King, why? Why do you want a divorce?��

I was not prepared for the burst of laughter that came from him after that, I actually had to take the phone off my ear a bit. ��Are you seriously asking me why? You must be kidding right, Esther?��

��King, I am not kidding, I need to understand why you suddenly want a divorce?��

��Oh I see, well I�ll explain it to you in plain language. I will not stay married to a murderer��

I could not hold back the tears that slipped down my face but surprisingly my voice was strong, ��I did not mean to ki*ll them, King. I blame myself already for the miscarriage��

��Shut up Esther, just shut it. You think I�ll fall for all that garbage you told your mother? Don�t you have any conscience? Lying to your mum you had a miscarriage when you actually killed my babies. I heard they were twins. You killed two of them!�

��I did not King, I really had a miscarriage��. Even as I said it, I knew he would not believe and my heart broke with that revelation.

��Now that you have your reason, can you get off my phone?��

��Please King wait. Please do me a favour. I want you to come home for a while.��

��Why will I want to do that? Are you high?��

��Please, for old time�s sake. Please just do me this last favour even if it�s over for you. I just want us to see.��

Grudgingly he answered, ��fine, I�ll see you tomorrow evening and I will be leaving on Sunday. I�ll use that time to pack my things but just know that once I leave on Sunday, the next time we�ll see will be in court in 3 months.��

He ended the call and I just sank into the sofa. I did not even realize I had been holding my breath. I debated calling my mum but I knew she could not help me. It was left to me to save my marriage by myself. No matter how wronged or sad I was feeling, I knew I had just four days to save my marriage and I did not even know where to start. Tomorrow could not come soon enough�

…to be continued


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