My Journal

My Journal – Episode 7

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By Amah

As Zavi walked into the house, she knew that was trouble, she saw Ken’s car outside surprisingly, that was when she remembered her journal, she rushed in with Kris and the few things she got, and saw Ken sitting in the living room, her journal was in his hand, he wasn’t reading it, just bow his head and keep staring at it, Kris ran to him, shouting, daddy! Daddy!, he lifted him to his lap and looked at him without a word.

“Daddy, are you ok? Me and mummy went to the store, mummy said you will be coming back tomorrow….! We bought chocolate, and mummy bought vegetable…she want to cook dinner with it, Daddy, do you like vegetable and chocolate…. Mummy said is good for the body…I like vegetable, I will give you some of my chocolate okay?… and daddy, I didn’t know you are back… I would have gotten your own chocolate… but we can share… right”..?

Kris kept talking like a chatter box, Ken was quiet all through, he smiled and nodded a few time as Kris kept talking… Zavi stood there without a word, not knowing what to say, her journal was lying beside Ken, she wanted to go and retrieve it, she wondered what Ken is going to do, he has not looked at her since she came him, and she decided to say something

‘K… I thought you were supposed to be back tomorrow” surprise to see you…is everything okay?

Ken didn’t say a word and never looked up, he was just looking at Kris, the little boy who kept talking even without a reply

“Daddy…are you okay? Mummy is talking to you? Are you having headache, do you like drugs? Me I don’t but mum said I have to take it sometime to be healthy?

Ken, suddenly hugged him, and said with tears glittering in his eyes, he tried to blink it back, so that Kris won’t notice, but as he tried to the tears run down his cheek, he tried to pretend as if something entered his eyes…

“Daddy…you are crying… why are you crying…are you feeling sick? Mummy Daddy is crying… he is not feeling fine” come and give him medicine… Daddy don’t cry…mummy will take care of you…okay?

Kris try to wipe Ken’s tears with his little hand, while still telling him sorry…and petting him in his own little way…Zavi watched…she wanted to cry too. As she watch her husband and son…

“Ken are you okay? What’s going on… can we talk please…your silent is killing…stop it?

“Mummy…he is not feeling well…that is why he doesn’t want to talk.. Daddy do you want my chocolate? Mummy, Daddy want to sleep… daddy, go and sleep, when you wake up…The sickness will fly away like the blue birds in my favorite cartoon and we can play some games and eat chocolate and vegetable together… okay? Don’t cry okay?

The more Ken look at Kris and watch his little boy clean his tears, the more the tears flow, he can’t believe his boy is five already and so much look like the mum, but with a kind soul, so loving and cute..

He got himself together and looked at the journal…he looked at Kris who was still talking and said with a smile as he tickled him like he used to do, the little boy laughed so loud

“I’m not crying boy, some bad fly, flew into my eyes, just trying to get it off, alright? I’m fine and I’m not sick either, just tired…you know that daddy loves you right?

“Yes, and I love you too… is not good for ants to fly into our eyes, that’s what my teacher said… sorry daddy, that must have hurt you…can we play game now…and eat our chocolate later?

“We play game later…I got you some new puzzle…take them to your room…and fix it up..i know you can do it…I will come and check it later.. Close the door behind you so that you won’t be distracted..ok?

Alright daddy, can I eat my chocolate while I’m working on the puzzle?

“yes you can Kris… run ahead..

Thanks daddy, thanks mummy.

He went to his room and closed the door just as Ken told him, his reason was for Kris not to hear his conversation with Zavi that was why he instructed him to close the door.

Ken, still did not look up after Kris left, Zavi went closer to him but stop mid-way as Ken showed his hand signaling her to stop, he looked at the journal again then raise his face up and look at Zavi, tears glittered in his eyes, he couldn’t hide or blink it back, he just allowed it to flow freely, Zavi didn’t even know how to react or what to do, she knew that her secret has being exposed, she was confuse, she wanted to reach out to him and explain to him that it was all a mistake, as she was still thinking Ken decided to speak

“Is it true?

Whaaat, I don’t understand?

“Don’t pretend to me..right now…is it true?

“What exactly are you talking about?

Ken raised the journal up, and asked her again?

“Is it true Zavi? Please tell me no… I don’t want to believe anything in this journal…I don’t want to…please, it can’t be true…

“Ken…I’m sor…

“Shut up… don’t mention “sorry” right now, oh my God, so is true… you actually did it… and proudly wrote it down…in this stupid journal…? Zavi..Why…oh my God.. So is true…

Ken…please lower your voice. Kris may hear us, we can talk somewhere aside…please give me a chance to explain. I beg of you?

“You did the unthinkable…I don’t understand… please say it clear to my ear Zavi… is he actually mine or not?

“k..Please stop..

“Give me an answer, now

K’ oh God…I didn’t mean it to happen…we quarreled and went with him to my sis wedding when you won’t go with me..i was drunk and….it happened….and when I got back from his place I saw you outside my door…

“I don’t even understand what you are talking about… you have already confirmed it…how?

“I was confuse during pregnancy, after he was born I knew that…

“Stop, don’t say it…you are actually good at hurting me, right? I thought you loved me Zavi…

“Yes, I really do..

“Then why do you keep secrets that can send me to my early grave…why didn’t you tell me what you did after we met… Kris is almost six and yet you hold such secret to yourself in this God forsaken book… did you do a DNA test to confirm…

“no, I didn’t, but I just know he wasn…

“Is fine, I don’t care what you wrote in that black book, I don’t, he is mine and will always be…

I’m not saying he is not Ken, biologically he isn’t yo…

“Stop saying that.. you are so cruel and wicked…why will you even wrote such a thing in your journal, why do you hold so much secret… few people I know that write in their journal, like Gina, write down happy thought and good memories she may have few secret but not like yours…you have so much…that I’m scared of what next I will find if I dig deep..

“I’m not Gina, don’t compare me and your sister, she choose to write whatever she want and I choose to write whatever I feel like, I write in my journal because I feel comfortable doing that, it holds my secret and never judge me like people will and if you have mind your business and stay from my journal, we won’t be having this conversation… you..

“shut up Zavi, i am your husband not boyfriend, you were hiding a lot while we were dating, and even after marriage you still hold so much, what is the point of having a spouse you can’t tell your fears and pain but rather choose to write it in a book… I tell you everything Zavi, but you tell yours to a mare book.. and you have the mind to write such nonsense in it…and even defending yourself, how could you…

‘Ken, doctor said you can’t father a child due to your illness, I never knew how long that have being, and you never mentioned it to me not until when I couldn’t get pregnant and the doctor reveal such shocking thing and said it will take some time for you to be totally fine… do you know how it has being for me all this while, and that was even how I started suspecting that Kris isn’t..yo..

“Stop, I never kept any secret, and didn’t know I had such until it was confirm… I still can’t tell what went wrong, I never stop assuring you that it will be fine. And even came back with the news that I spoke with Doctor Sami, and he said in two weeks’ time I will be alright, I have completed my drugs and everything…I did everything just to make you smile through the trying period.. Doctor Sami never mentioned anything like that…he told us that Kris is a miracle child. He can’t place how it happened but it must be a total miracle…you are aware of that..

“Yes, he said that probably without knowing how he came to be, and to also make us feel good, doctors don’t believe in miracle, they believe more in science and facts, Ken, I never mean for it to happen, and that was before we got married, I have never cheated on you” and wouldn’t have done what I did with Dan had it being you let it all go when I came apologizing, but you didn’t want to listen to me…I’m sorry Ken, I’m not proud of what happened but you have being the best father, I didn’t mean for you find out this way…

“why didn’t you tell me Zavi, not that it would have make any difference but I deserve to know, this is the shock of my life I don’t know if I would ever get out of it, you have crushed me… how can you even have the mind to write such down. It means you never loved me…you love your Dan right? You were pretending all this while with me…waiting for me to find out some day and kill myself…what is wrong with you Zavi…have I ever hurt you deliberately…have I ever done anything to bring tears to your eyes since we got married…you and Kris are everything to me…I cherished you…why on earth will you have so much secret that can kill me… why?

“I never pretend to love you Ken, I sincerely do, I wasn’t sure who the baby belong to, until he was born…and then we started having issue on having another baby, then when doctor gave the news of your illness…I knew right then…that…Ken’ please, I’m sorry, you are father in a million to Kris, and you have being a wonderful husband…i..

‘STOP, don’t patronize me with those lines…I’m confuse right now and tired too… was coming back to surprise you but you surprised me instead…”

“Mummy, what is happening, are you fighting with Dad?

Ken and Zavi where surprise to see Kris by the door, they didn’t notice when he opened the door and came out, Zavi quickly went to him reassuring him that they aren’t fighting but talking about something very important which is not meant for kids, she took him back to his room and closed the door as she returned back to face Ken who angrily went to their room, searching for her other journals..

‘Where are they.. Just bring them out…I want to see them all…everything, all the secret you kept hidden..i don’t want to be beaten twice. Bring them all out

“Ken, what exactly is that?

“Your secret journals, what else could it be…

‘My journals, hmmm, what do you want to do with them…we have enough trouble for today …please, you won’t find anything interesting in them..

“why write them…why do you keep writing nonsense inside, since there’s no interesting thing in it, only trouble…why do you have secret journal…even after we are married…why do you keep so much secret…you gave me the excuse the last time I touched your journal, you said I don’t suppose to do that because we are not married.. Now we are, go and get all of them.., I want to see all the secret you have being holding…I don’t want to see further surprises…go get them Zavi…I’m so tired of all this secrets… how can you do this to me, I loved you…why? Why…just tell me… I have tried never to hurt you. But you deliberately hurt me… what did I ever do to you…”

His voice broke as he talk, Zavi went to him but he asked her not to come close to him. And demanded she get all her journal out…seeing his seriousness, she quickly went to the locked box she has being storing her journal and packed them out, Ken picked them up and couldn’t open them, he just picked them up one after the other without opening them, his hands were shaking, he was scared of opening them, not knowing what he will find again inside, he packed all the journal into the box and stormed outside, Zavi followed him, he packed all the journal that Zavi has written within the years outside the backyard, as he got ready to burn them, Zavi just stood and watch him, he was acting like he has ran mad, as he kept talking to himself as he try to set the journal on fire, Zavi thought of the years she put in writing and confiding in her journal when no one was there for her, she thought of the pain and tears and few laughter the journal hold for her and also all the memories she probably have forgotten that only the journal can remind her, right there she knew that she can’t watch Ken turn all that to ashes, as the fire was about to catch up, as if she was just getting herself from the drama, she quickly rushed to the journal shouting, as she tried to put out the fire, Ken, tried to push her away but she was keen on retrieving her journal, and the voice came again, just like the strange dream she once had, the intruder that came and threw her journal to the fire, the strange man in her dream that entered her house and tried to burn her journal, the voice was so like the man from her dream years ago, but there was no intruder as she looked around to make sure this is not another night mare , the voice was thick and echoed in her head she felt cold immediately, she looked round again it was just Ken that was shouting at her to let it go and allow the journal to burn, the voice was Ken’s voice, his voice sounded like an echo just like the man in her dream, Ken tried to draw her away as he kept shouting she pushed him real hard as he fell back, she finally put out the fire and retrieve her journal, she checked the damaged, it was not much and didn’t affect all the journal as the fire was still trying to catch up, she dusted it and stock it back into the box and went inside, Ken sat on the floor where Zavi pushed him down and wept, Zavi went inside picked few of her things and her son stuff into a bag and left with her journal, Ken was still sitting at the backyard as she came out with Kris and something’s stock by her side into her car, as she start the car, Ken came out from the backyard on hearing the sound of a car, when he saw trying to drive out, he rushed to the car to stop her but it was too late as the security opened the gate, he asked him to close the gate but Zavi zoomed out before he could do that, Ken didn’t go after her, he rushed back to the house.

Zavi tried to call Dan, for the first time in six years, after the third ring he picked up, she told him that she need to see him urgently and preferable his place. Dan agreed and she speed down to his place and was still talking to Kris calmly who was asking what was going on and where they were going to.



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