My Journal

My Journal – Episode 6

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By Amah

As Ken and Zavi came back from the wedding gown shop, Ken who noticed her quietness and has being asking her if there’s a problem, but she kept on saying that she was fine, as they got back home, she told Ken that she was tired and need to rest, he followed her to the room as she lay down, he sat beside her on the bed and ask her again what it was, she replied him as usual that she was fine but just tired. Ken sat with her for some time without saying a word as she tried to force sleep, he stood up and went to get something for her from the fridge, he came back with her favorite juice and ask her to drink probably she will feel better, she sat up and drank everything and requested for more, Ken laughed while cracking jokes with her she laughed also, feeling more relax as he filled her cup. She wanted to tell him that she was pregnant but she’s afraid how he will take the news, she wanted to keep the pregnancy until after they wed, but he may notice, and probably get angry for not telling him, and pregnancy is not something somebody can hide, she is afraid to get rid of it, she thought of abortion and wave it off, she can’t do that, what if the baby is for Dan and not Ken, she can’t do that even if Ken rejected her at the end, she will never get rid of it, she will single handedly train the child up, she prayed silently for the baby to be Ken’s, she has warned Dan that she is engaged to Ken and they are about to get married, she warned him not to disturb her again, Dan told her to always call him if she needs anything, she told him she won’t be needing anything, Dan told her he will be at her wedding, just to watch her get married to another man, he will probably sit in the pew and imagine if he was the one getting married to her, he told her not to worry he won’t bother her, he will just attend her wedding like every other guest, drop his gift and leave.

As Zavi sat beside Ken on the Bed and thought of Dan, she lost appetite, she couldn’t wave the night they had together off, she knew that Dan was really a changed man but she really love Ken and Ken love her, and she don’t want to care if the pregnant is his. He will never know anyway and nobody has to know what she did except herself and her journal…

Ken tapped her gently on the shoulder seeing that she was lost in thought, she turned and look at him with a frown

“Zavi, what is the problem…talk to me…you are getting me worried…

“I told you before, that I am fine”

“No you are not fine, something is bothering you obviously,

“Why do you think so…?

“I know so, I know you Zavi, I know you like the palm of my hand…I told you that before, I know when your smile is real and when you are pretending…and right now I know you are not okay… you know very soon we will become one officially, but even before then you are one with me…and I love you and can’t stop saying it, so i…

“I’m pregnant…


“I’m pregnant..

Ken was quiet for some time, no expression of excitement or sadness on his face, his mouth was just open as he stare at Zavi, Zavi was speechless and didn’t know what to say or do as they stare at each other, ken broke the silent that was already killing Zavi

Hmmm…o my God, are you serious Zavi… who is responsible…sorry. Is it for me… ?

“Who else, what kind of question is that Ken? of course is you… why will you ask such question?

“I’m sorry Zavi, please, I’m very sorry, so I’m gonna be a father for real… oh my God..

Ken stood up and shouted in excitement, as Zavi breathed a sigh of relief and watch him come to her and grab her…

“I’m sorry Zavi, the news was just too much, I love you… so much. How far have you gone?

“Six weeks”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?

Just recently found out myself” went to see the doctor and it was confirmed

“ we need to rush up with the wedding, wouldn’t want you to walk down the aisle with a petruding belle, hahahahaha….that will be embarrassing… is a good news Zavi, was that why you are down, I actually knew that’s something wrong, you should be happy to have told me the news immediately you found out… just in few weeks we will be married, this is not the kind of news you keep to yourself, we are together in this, please always share every news with me, both good and bad, I will not love you any less, okay?

Zavi was happy at same time confuse as Ken hugged and kiss her, she thought of the affair with Dan, and wondered what if the child is Dan’s, what will she do… she wave it off again and pray within her that the baby will be Ken’s, so there won’t be misunderstanding in the future.

After two months Zavi got married to Ken, her sister Karen was there with her husband, Gina, Jane and their mother were all around, few people who were invited came, it wasn’t a very big wedding, they didn’t want it big, despite Ken’s mother wanted to throw a big party but Ken said no because of Zavi,s condition, Zavi didn’t want much crowd either so the couple agreed on a small gathering, everyone congratulated them.

Dan was around as he sat unnoticed, and watch Zavi get married, he felt like stopping the wedding when the priest ask if there’s anybody that will not want this two to be wedded, he wanted to stop Zavi, he wanted to walk up to the priest and tell him to wed both of them, instead of Ken, Dan was heartbroken as he watch them exchange vow and kiss each other, he watch her closely, and notice that Zavi, stomach shoot out small but she’s trying to hide in the wedding gown she wore so it won’t be noticed, “could she be pregnant or is that I’m going crazy? Dan thought to himself as he waved the whole thought clouding his mind off, he wish he has stayed back home.

It broke his heart to watch Zavi marry another man, he thought it won’t be difficult to come to the ceremony, but sitting there and watching the whole thing was like putting a knife to his truth, he stayed and when he couldn’t stay anymore he stood up and left. He went straight to his car and wept as he drove home, when he got home, he drank like he has never done before, if truly what he was seeing was a baby bum that Zavi is trying to hide, it means that Zavi is pregnant already, she is carrying Ken’s child, he wished Zavi had a child for him, probably he will hang onto that, he remember making love to her, but she was drunk although she seem to enjoy the whole thing but it made him guilty taking advantage of her like that, but he couldn’t say no or walk away, it was too much to resist, and Zavi never wanted to see him again after that, until he found out she was getting married, he wish Zavi was carrying his child, if he has gotten her pregnant she will not have more choice in that way she won’t get married to another man, he quickly waved such thought off, it pained him even more to be thinking that way, he drank deep… and try to stand but couldn’t as he drank to stupor and collapse on the chair.

Only few people noticed Zavi was pregnant, after the congratulations and pictures, everyone quietly left one after the other after the reception that was hosted by Ken’s mom.

After 6months Zavi gave birth to a baby boy, Ken was so happy to be a father, there was so much celebration in the house after the baby was born, and they named him Kristian, Zavi was happy…as she natured her baby boy and watch him grow, everything was so peaceful and loving, baby Kristian looks more like Zavi, and less like Ken, he was a happy child, Ken couldn’t get enough of him, Ken surprised Zavi with a car, Zavi was so happy.

The year flies, Zavi, forgot everything about Dan, she focus on her family, Kris was already five and Zavi and Ken has being trying for another baby but to no avail, she couldn’t get another pregnant for Ken, no matter how much they try.

One day she decided to write in her journal, to ease up the burden in her heart,

‘Journal..? I know of recent I have being filling you up with Kris stages of growth, haven’t really got time to write about myself and what has being going on with me, today I decided to do that,

First of all, I just want to talk about the burden in my heart, Kris was conceived unexpectedly, I doubted the pregnancy at first because I wasn’t sure whom the baby was for, Ken or Dan, because I met both of them almost same time, same weekend, Dan’s was a mistake, I wasn’t supposed to have anything intimate with him but we ended up doing exactly that, I made love to him on Saturday, and Ken on Sunday, so when I fell pregnant I didn’t know how to place it, but after me and Ken got married and Kris was born, although he doesn’t have any trace of Ken, facially but he has my features, Ken has being a wonderful father and a sweet husband, baby Kris is growing into a fine man, he is five years already, and whenever I look closely at him I’m very scared to say that I see Dan in his eyes, he has Dan’s eyes, exactly what I dreaded most, but I can’t concluded on what I see, it maybe my mind playing tricks on me, but since we have being trying for another child and it hasn’t being successful and just got to know that Ken has a low sperm count, which he has already start treatment, now the point is he felt it was a miracle to have gotten me pregnant at first since the doctor said is not possible for him to get a woman pregnant, except if is a miracle, but medically, he’s not fit to do that until he has being totally treated, which get me scared sometime, that Kris was actually Dan’s and not Ken, well nobody knows that and nobody will.

Ken loves Kris with his life, it will really hurt him if he found out Kris is not his, I won’t let that happen, I don’t really need a DNA test to ascertain who the father is, because the truth is already clear, Kris is not Ken’s child, it hurt me more to watch as what I fear most is coming to reality, I haven’t heard from Dan, since I got married, and I like it that way, probably he has move on with his life, got married and maybe even have a child now,

Karen, my sister has a baby boy too, who is already four, and she’s pregnant about to give birth to her second baby, Gina has another baby, they named him Kenneth, and their little boy is already three, everyone around me, are making progress increasing their family, am just stock here, still praying that Ken gets his healing so that we can go with the flow, I want to have a large family, Ken also, but five years has gone and instead of making progress in that direction, we are stock with Ken’s illness, low sperm count, he can’t get me pregnant, not just me he can’t get any woman pregnant, the doctor said it takes a miracle for him to have fathered Kris, which he is yet to understand how it happened, it seem’ doctors only believe in science but hardly believe in miracle, well I don’t blame them, I just pray he doesn’t dig deep into knowing how Kris was conceived.

I don’t know how such a good man will come down to such disease or whatever, but he had it for years without even knowing, or probably he knew but never thinks it was going to be a problem, but he said he never know he was down medically, he thought he was fit and hardly go for checkup, Ken is an angel, he doesn’t deserve such, he told me we will have another child, just as it took miracle to birth Kris, he said God will do it again and if not, then he is grateful to have Kris, and will bring him up the best way he could.

whenever I see his pureness and sincerity, I felt so guilty knowing that he is not the biological father of Kris, but he is a sweet husband and father, I can’t ask for anything else than what I have be given, I love him and wish I can do something to give him another child. Maybe I will check up for Dan’s number call him one of this days, just to know what’s being going on with him, or maybe…I should just let sleeping dog be, don’t want to wake trouble up while it sleeps,

Kris is such a beautiful child, I love him so much, he is the center of our joy, as I watch everyone around gives birth and celebrate, yes sometimes I feel bad, and wish is us, but God has bless us with Kris, and we are grateful for that. Until Ken healed up, doctor assured us that he will be fine…and we are also praying, everyone ask me why I don’t want to give birth to another child, I just told them that we are not ready for another yet, no one knows about Ken infertility, and will never know. Just the doctor treating him of course.

Journal… I just pray that God will help me, for Ken not to find out that he is not Kris biological father, it will hurt him too much and only God knows what will become of us, I can’t let that happen… he can’t know Kris is not his son, which I have not confirm anyway, although is obvious, don’t really need a sorcerer to tell me that, I will continue writing when I get back, Ken did a little travel yesterday and he will be coming in tomorrow, so we have enough time, is just me, Kris and you. We have the house to ourselves, I will hide you up as usual, you are only meant for me alone.. Kris just woke up, I have to go… I am also going to the grocery shop, which is not far from here, and I will be driving because of Kris, would have love to walk down anyway.

After Zavi finished writing in her, she left the journal on the reading table, she took Kris who has woken up, to a nearby grocery store to get something for the evening, and she didn’t put back her journal in its hiding place, knowing that no one will see it since Ken is not around and will be back tomorrow.

she drove out, Ken who traveled came back earlier than usual, wanting to surprise Zavi, he has good news for her and couldn’t wait to tell her and he also got her and Kris gifts as usual, as he came back he found out they went to the grocery store from the security man, he went inside the room and saw the journal, laying carelessly on the reading table, he was curious to know what Zavi has being writing, he remembered the fight they had after he read Zavi Journal, but that was before they got married, now they don’t hide anything from each other,

although Zavi hides her journal, he doesn’t really care wherever she keeps it…if writing in her journal makes her happy, so be it he won’t complain, he wanted to leave the journal alone,

he was too curios to know what Zavi has being writing of recent,

“although Zavi can’t write anything bad, she has being worried about him and not being able to father another child, I always want to make her happy so that she will never feel bad, and I know is all going to be alright soon, we will be able to have another child, Kris is just five , there is still time, and I believe in miracle…just same way it took miracle to get her pregnant and Kris was conceived. It will happen because I believe in miracle even if the miracle won’t happen, I’m contented with my unique family, is enough blessing. Ken thought to himself as he keep staring at the journal, he moved to the table and stood close enough, he picked the journal up, it was a new journal,

she hasn’t written much stuff inside, it was black leather journal, he held it and went to the bed side, he sat down on the bed as he opened it to read.



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