My Journal

My Journal – Episode 4

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By Amah

As Zavi rushed to the door excited, adjusting her cloth and make sure her hair is in perfect order, she wanted to look sexy for her Kendrick, she was full of smile when she opened the door, she stood there frozen, her smile died off immediately, her leg started shaking, she tried to stand and compose herself but she couldn’t, she was in shock.. she just stood there looking like a confuse child, not knowing what to do or say,

He was also looking at her with a smile curved at the corner of his mouth, as he looks her up and down and stretched his hand to her..

“hello Zavi,

But no responds came.. she was still in shock of seeing him, he dropped his hand down.

“Zavi, how are you doing, wow, you different baby” you are looking so good more than before” good to see you, c’mon” why are you clued to your door, won’t you ask me to come in… or where you expecting somebody, you were full of smile when you opened the door” and your mood dropped after seeing me, please can I come in…? c’mon Zavi, please…can i..

Zavi quickly rushed back inside and bolt her door, leaving her visitor at the door, she locked the door firmly, and stood by the door.. oh my God! What’s he doing here, what.. is he doing here, he wasn’t the person I was expecting, he wasn’t” I was expecting Ken, I thought Ken was the person at the door… what on earth is he doing here, how did he get my address, how!!

“Zavi, please open the door, I mean no harm… I just want to talk, Zavi…?

Zavi was pacing up and down in the room not knowing what to do, “ how on earth did Dan get my house address, or did he hire special agent, that traced me to where I live, “ Ken must not meet him here, no… no… Ken is on his way… and mustn’t meet him…

Zavi, went and unlock the door and stepped outside, he was still standing there.

Zav, I’m just here to talk please hear me out…

Dan? How do you get my address?

I asked from our cycle of friends

You hired a stalker to be stalking me, because I know what you are capable of doing” you think money is everything but that’s not the point, you need to leave now…

I can’t leave without you hearing me out… we really need to talk please, is being like two years Zavi,

Talk about what exactly? I said you need to leave right now

Zavi please… don’t do this… it was difficult enough locating you… I’m not the same person you use to know.. I have really change… please don’t look at the past and judge me… I’m pleading Zavi… in the name of whatever you believe in… please hear me out first before asking me to leave

“listen to me Dan, whatever that happen between us was in the past, this is my present, I’m in a serious relationship and he mustn’t see you here…and sincerely I don’t want to hear anything you have to say… just leave,

“I never said I won’t leave… don’t care if you are even married…I love you so much.. you might not believe me..but I really do…I was stupid enough to treat you the way I did… I don’t know better then, but I do now …please find it in your heart to forgive…and listen to what I have to say, all I want is your audience…and I will leave…

He knelt down in front of Zavi who was just looking at him like a movie and was begging Zavi

‘You are really funny Dan, what is this you are doing…you think kneeling down will change my mind, if you like roll on a mud and take a bath in the rain…nothing will still happen, you are sure a drama queen… kneeling down like this and acting all innocent, I thought rich people don’t kneel for any one…mr man get up and leave my house…

“I’m sorry but am not going anywhere…all I asked for is just little time, I won’t take long… I can’t just leave without baring the burden in my heart…I’m begging you Zavi… life thought me better, I’m not who you think I was…I use to be…

‘wait..wait..let me guess… you are now broke and poverty is humbling your dumb ass… or you have contacted incurable disease from your numerous sex partners and you want to make amend with people you think you should have treated better but was too stupid and foolish to do that, and you want to do that now before you give up the ghost or even want to share it round, so that you won’t be the only one dying… hahahaha!

Hmmm..this is interesting, wait, another guess.. your parents disowned you and you became an arm robber and police are after you… your life is in danger and no where to hide, you are looking for where to hide your f***king face and you think Zavi, the ever loving partner will not disappoint… now listen let me burst your bubble Dan… you are in the wrong place…wrong house talking to the wrong person… because I will be the one to hand you over to…

“”Zavi…Zavi.. please stop it… non of those things happened and although this life is unpredictable… I will try as much as possible not to allow any of those, by God’s grace… i still thank God for his blessings, my Dad is all I have, my mum is late… I’m not involve in any illegal act and police are not after me…and I don’t have any disease, neither do I have multi girlfriends anymore…quit that life style after my mum’s death…I watch her give up the ghost…and since then I have to retraced my life… Zavi…

He stood up and cleaned his tearful eyes with his handkerchief while Zavi watched him without feeling any pity or remorse for him

“are you really crying” so you can actually be emotional…and you want me to pity you because after your mum’s death you have to retrace your step… what if she was still alive…you would have still be living your foolish live…only God knows where you would have end up…so your Mum have to die before you have sense…do you even hear yourself… and you are pretending in front of me right now with those crocodile tears…and want me to open my arm or lend you my shoulder to cry on…hmmm you must be high on some cheap drugs… rubbish…what..

“Zavi, please don’t talk like that… I’m not pretending or asking you to accept me into your arm.. I love my mum so much…she was too young to die… I would have still be a better person if death has spared her…It hurts every time I remember.. seeing her face dying… I…it hurt so much…i…you won’t understand…

“hey, first of all, stop zavi zavi me, you mustn’t mention my name in every sentence you make, now listen to me carefully, I lost my both parents.. lost my mum before Dad followed suit… then suffer great amount all in the name of love… you broke me into pieces Dan… i lost everything and started life afresh… so don’t tell me about what hurts and what doesn’t and about understanding…I understand more than you do… I will lecture you more about life…because you haven’t even seeing anything and you are complaining… please enough of all this self pity talk.. just leave Dan…

Za…. you have become more harden and sorry to say cruel with your words I just want to talk to you that’s all, you use to be sweet, loving, forgiving, and understanding… but. You ve change…a lot.. Your door step isn’t a good place…if you can’t let me in can you at least tell me where to meet with you aside this place..

Hmmm! You are really funny Dan… I use to be all that but life hardened me.. life was cruel enough to me…and to say you were part of it… life changed me…I allowed it because I needed it…and I grew shell for people like you that take advantage of innocent souls…anyway we have being talking since…we have talked enough…you coming to my porch like you did is a shock on his own…which is enough for me…I’m done talking.. what else do you want to talk about…or you want to insult me…you have virtually said everything… there’s nothing to talk about again…just leave please

I’m begging you Zila… just try and hear me out

Wait…wait..what did you call me…who’s Zila…?

Sorry, I mean Zavi.. it was a mistake…you are really crippling me… at same time confusing me… I don’t know what else to say because I’m loosing word…

“yes… you are obviously confuse Dan.. you don’t know what you want or what you are saying…

“please, don’t say that…I know what I want…and I want you, Zaviva. Please hear me ou….

A car was pulling up in Zavi’s compound…and it was Kendrick… Zavi thought of what she will tell Kendrick…Dan have to leave

You have to leave right now…I will call you…shu shu…just

How will you call me, when you don’t even have my number… because…even if you have my old line I’m not using it again..i changed my line…Zavi..are you listening

Zavi’s eyes was fixed on Dan… who was trying to pack well..

I said you go…that I will call you..

You don’t have my number Zavi

Ok fine…give me your number…

Why not give me yours…because I know you won’t call

I’m not giving you mine…leave or I will push you…leave my house Dan…

Ok fine… I will drop my number anyway…

He gave Zavi, his card and left, Zavi quickly hide it in her cloth as she watch Kendrick walk towards her, Kendrick saw Dan and didn’t say anything as they walk pass each other…Dan to his car Kendrick toward her

Kendrick hugged her as they went inside, they sat close to each other and gist…Zavi wasn’t saying much. Just smiling and nodding her head as Kendrick struck her hair, she couldn’t just wave off Dan appearance in her door step Ken didn’t say anything about him or even ask any question as she have expected, she has planed the lie she will tell.. Although she doesn’t want to, she has planned to keep her past away from Ken… he hasn’t ask her about her past life. More reason why she love him.. Despite he saw Dan coming from her apartment…but he hasn’t ask, probably waiting for her to say or the perfect moment to ask or he doesn’t want to know which is even better.

Zavi got up to go and get ready to leave and Dan complimentary card fell off from her without her noticing, Ken picked it up and called her attention, on seeing the card she rushed up and collected it without a word, she quickly went into the room to packed her things including her journal, she planned writing in her spare time to tell her journal what’s going on.

She was sitting on her bed try to check what next she may need, started thinking about Dan, and decided to write something in her journal

Journal, I don’t know how I’m feeling right now, Ken is sitting in my living room waiting for me, planned spending the weekend with him.. but journal just want to write about Dan, he was at my door today, is being like 2years or so, I was so shock to see him…but he wouldn’t say where he got my house address from… he wanted to talk… he knelt down…Journal.. I can’t deny the fact that I still have feeling for him…but his my past and I want to leave it like that, as much as I’m not happy with his passing mum but it made him a new man, I was ones in love with him, but he caused me so much pain, until I decided to walk away and he just resurface at my door step looking like a ten years old boy beaten, journal the truth is Dan is more handsome then Ken, ken has a fine body built, calm and so loving, but Dan is still handsome and even more now. He has changed … and he glows like bulb light, he knelt down for me… for the first time a man will kneel before me was so strange but didn’t want to show it… I THANK God that he was leaving as Ken was coming. Ken didn’t ask me anything though… a man like Dan doesn’t kneel for anybody…but he did, life really humbled him… his complimentary card fell off from me and Ken saw it and didn’t ask about it or about Dan despite he saw him, well…I don’t want him to ask, even if he ask I will tell him my cooked up lie…I hate my past and don’t want to go there. Journal, I love Ken but Dan coming back…despite I want to wave it off..i can’t.. I had a bitter memory with him and there’s just few sweet ones, even though I say I will call…but I won’t. I will probably trash the card and move on with Ken like i already did…leaving him to lick his wound… he can’t come and tell me those stories that touches the heart and expect me to open my arms to him…what we had was in the past and that’s where it will be…journal I pray every memory and feelings about him will erase as I cruise with Ken…don’t want anything to spoil our fun.. if possible I wil….

“Zavi, what are you doing?

Ken was standing at Zavi’s room door..Zavi who was startled, try to hide her journal under her cloths while Ken came in and stand in the middle of the room, giving her space

“Being waiting, wanted to check if you are done… I’m sorry I startled you, what are you writing, can I see..

Ooh…I’m sorry, wanted to write down something before I forget it..I’m almost done packing.. let me just finish up

What could that be… ? that you were writing with intense care..

Yes, but is just list of ingredients, I plan on trying some new food… got it online.. just writing before I forget it, I write a lot of recipes in the journal…

Oh…really can I see it….you know I love to cook wouldn’t mind to try your recipes..

No…no..or maybe later, let me finish packing up…

Zavi stood up, she was wearing a short jean skirt and a purple singlet. Which she plan on putting on a jean jacket when she’s ready to leave, Ken crossed the space between them to where Zavi was and held her gently

Are you okay? You have being kind of cold since I came in… is there a problem… you know I notice every change you make, be it your eye bra or your nail polish…as far as is my Zavi..i will notice… so I notice you haven’t be lively… do you need anything or you want to talk about something… I will be here to always listen… I love you Zavi.. you know that right? Always tell me whenever something is bordering you, trust me…I will always be there for you.. okay? Do you want to talk about anything?

Zavi was just leaning on him..not knowing what to say…he drew her close to his body and tenderly raise her face up, Zavi thought this time around he will kiss her passionately, she needed it and even more but as usual she was disappointed as he kissed her lightly on the lips, she wanted more but he wasn’t going to give more, his usual way, he stood upright, still holding her

“was it the guy I saw leaving your apartment… do you want to talk about it?

Mmm! No, of course not… he was just looking for a lady that use to live in my apartment, guess he lost her contact…yeah.. so he gave me his card to give the lady or call him anytime I happen to see her…yeah,…so that’s just it…nothing important

“okay, so what’s bordering you?

Nothing… just one of those mood swing… am fine Ken.. You are taking every little thing so serious…I’m very fine..alright..let’s drop that…so that I can get ready..

“alright…alright..go ahead, I will just sit with you while you get set, if you don’t mind… but you don’t have to pick much stuff… remember you still have some of your stuff at my side ..if nothing…you know you can wear mine…or whichever way you want..


She went to the mirrow to arrange her head and apply makeup, she later went to the bathroom, Ken on seeing the book that has faded back, Zavi’s journal, he picked it up and started going through it… not knowing it was Zavi’s personal Journal… he saw a lot of things has been written on it, it wasn’t a recipe but a journal where Zavi write a lot of he was flipping through pages, he got to a place he saw his name and his sisters name. And pulse as he started reading it, Zavi later returned back to the bed on seeing him with her journal she threw off what she have in her hand and rushed up to him, pushing him off and grabbing her journal… Ken was in shock with the way he was pushed, Zavi was very angry..

“what is wrong with you…it’s my personal stuff and you have no right to go through it, no right at all.. you are intruding in my privacy and I hate it…I hate it with passion shouldn’t even be here..

“calm down Zavi… I don’t know..i serious don’t know..i thought it was where you write down your recipes just as you said, I’m…I’m very sorry… please calm down..

“what and what did you read… answer me…now..

Zavi..please calm down.. I did not really read much..was just flipping through until I saw my surname. The SYVANS…saw my name and my sisters…started reading from there until I got to where you mentioned your ex.. how much you loved him… or something can’t really remember, I was still there and you came…I

That was wrong…very wrong of you to have even read anything…is my personal journal… you shouldn’t have

Yes…I wouldn’t have, if you have told me it was your personal journal, I wouldn’t have intrude.. I wouldn’t have.. I didn’t know…guess you feel more comfortable trusting a mere book than human…

Yes…Ken yes, I feel very comfortable writing down my feeling in a book, human will judge me, feel pity for me and probably gossip or use it to taunting me but that “common book as you called it won’t do that, it will hold only hold whatever I ask to hold and won’t spill out except intruders like you poke nose into it…

I won’t have “poke nosed” if you have told me the truth.. that’s is your personal journal not some recipe book..

“Why didn’t you drop it when you saw it my personal stuff and not what you thought it was.. But you continued intruding… which is very bad of you.. Why didn’t you drop it… if you were another person i would have slapped and insulted the hell out of you and ask you out of my house…I hate it when people go through my personal stuff… most especially my journal”” I hate it.. Is only stupid and illiterates that do what you did… I thought you are educated enough not to touch peoples personal stuff… or you have empty skull without brain… it was very stupid of you.. you are just empty skull without anything in it… rubbish”

“yeah… obvious my skull is empty, I’m sorry all the same, will try and find means to fill it in so that I can have little sense…not to go near your “personal” stuff next time…… I thought… never mind.. … okay.. fine…I’m very sorry.. didn’t mean to intrude Zavi.. you are taking it too far…

Ken walked up to her and try to hold her but she pushed him away, he tried again but she walked out on him with her journal, and threw her bag and stuff on the floor as she went out…Ken bend down and to picked them all.. she shouted at him to leave her things alone, Ken stood up and left the room to the living. She went back and lock her room before leaving Ken in the living room to go outside, Ken followed her immediately..

“Zavi, I said I’m sorry..please.. where are you going now…you are so angry..

“I have hard you…the damage has been done already..i just want to be left alone..

I can take you to wherever you are going…if you won’t mind

I’m taking a walk… alone please…want to clear my head…please leave me alone…

We are supposed to go to my side Zavi…

That has change…I’m not going again…you can go back..don’t feel like going anyway again…please leave me alone…

Alright…alright…fine.. I know I crossed my boundary, don’t usually do that…just thought it was as you said… and I should have dropped it when I saw a different thing… I regret my actions greatly and it made you mad..i understand you perfectly Zavi…you should be mad at me… even hit me because I deserve it…but please, for God’s sake, don’t ask me to go back alone without you…we were meant to catch fun…and visit many places…don’t let what happened to spoil all that…It will make me really sad if you don’t go with me…I bought ticket for two…in most of the place we have to go…wanted to surprise you with all that…I spoiled it all…I wish I can unread all I read in that journal or change the hand of time and be on my lane…I’m really sorry…please Zavi…I am begging you…don’t do this to me…please…

“am sorry too…but I’m not going again…don’t want to talk again…already tired from the drama you created.. go back to your place… I’m very serious…I’m not going anywhere with you. Bye

Zavi walked out… leaving Ken standing…he thought of following her but change his mind..he sat down and decide to wait until she comes back… probably she will be more calm and understand she was taking the matter too serious, but he doesn’t want her to me more angry when she gets back, he thought of what he read in the journal, the fight she had with Jane..after Gina gave her a journal…he quickly flashed back and try to remember all that happened.. it hit him, the journal Zavi still have is the journal Gina gave her..that cursed fight between her and Jane… he thought of how many years that has being…and why Zavi kept the journal for that long… maybe Zavi still harbor bitterness against them, Ken shake his head, he knew that’s not possible..he thought of Zavi clutching the journal on her armpit as she left…

“why do she attach so much importance to that journal…which has faded with years… I don’t understand. She used to love somebody who hurt her badly… life have not be fair to her in many ways and all I want to do is to love her dearly…and allow her to fully love me too and not see the whole thing as sex partner..i try not to portray that to her…but she can be very violent when she’s hurt…how can somebody be so sweet now and the next second so bitter… and what if something happen to her…where could she have gone to. Probably I should go look for her… I caused it…I will try and make it right…

He took his car key and left after locking her door and leaving the keys in her flower vessels outside her door. He drove round and searched for her but couldn’t find her..

Is already late she’s probably back to the house

He went back to the house and found out she’s back…he knocked and she asked who was that. He answered..

‘Ken, I told you to go back to your place am not following you to anywhere and am not opening the door either…just go

“please open the door Zavi… I just want to make sure you are okay

I’m fine..just going to bed now,,bye bye

Alright..sure..i will go… I’m glad you are safely back home…can’t travel back this night… will just lodge in a hotel and leave tomorrow morning…is already late. Alright, goodnight zavi!

Ken went to his car and sat down there…waiting maybe Zavi will open the door but when she didn’t he tried calling her on the phone but she wasn’t picking her calls he later decided to leave her alone and go.

After constant pleading which lasted for almost a week, Zavi and Ken are back together, Ken even got gifts and a brown new beautiful journal, Gina also called her and try to apologize on her brothers behalf.

She was finally going out with Ken after the incident.. they have a date tonight she was trying to fix up something before he comes, as she was making food in the kitchen when she had a knock, she thought is probably Ken, but he told her he will be coming in the evening not this afternoon.. she went to the door, she opened and saw it was Dan

“what…what are you doing here again Dan

I waited for your call but you never called is over a week now and haven’t still hard from you…so I decided to check..

I didn’t mean it when I said I was going to call you…

Well…no problem. Can I come in

For what exactly

Just to talk,please Zavi

Talk here, I’m listening

Can’t talk here

Then go..i was doing something when you came..going back to it

As she turn..Dan held her hand, and gently drew her close to himself and kissed her, she tried to pull off then relaxed back as she enjoyed the kiss she have being wanting from Ken. Zavi later pulled out

“You shouldn’t have done that.. was that why you came..? since you have achieved your aim.. be going then.. not.. i apologize, I’m sorry.. I love you so much Zavi… that it hurt so bad whenever I think you are with some one else, you are all I think off this days, I can’t think straight please..i want to make you my world…my wife. The mother of my kids, please can I come in so that we can talk.. I’m not saying it because I want to entice you…but I will be the happiest man alive if only I can

“ hahahaha…if I say you are very stupid you will think is an insult, if I become your world where do you expect other people to live…and I never said I want to be your whatever. So stop fooling around.. Because if that’s a practiced phrase from you to get me..then you have failed woefully, I’m expecting my man…and I love him as much as he loves me…so no room for you… so sorry..

“you are getting it all wrong..please Zavi.. I know I had my chance and I abused it but I didn’t know better then… please let me in and hear what I have to say, I promise to make it brief..

Zavi, stood there looking at him…the kiss brought back a lot of memory for her she can’t deny that… and truly the man before her has really change, she have really missed him but don’t know how to react to the whole drama, she’s with ken but feeling confuse over the two men now that Dan resurfaced.. since Ken is coming in the evening she has time to listen to Dan, she looked at his handsome cute face and asked him to come in

“If I let you into my house, don’t say those rubbish again… about wife, or being your world.. I hate to hear stuff like that, I never said I was even close of considering you into my life..and will not do that..just be aware.. whatever you got to say try and keep it professional.. hope you understand me? the kiss means nothing to me… come in anyway…

He was full of smile as they sat in the living room, she offered him drink, Dan told her all that has being going on with him, she relaxed while listening to him… and kind of feel pity for him but didn’t want him to see that. Zavi later excused herself to finish her cooking after which she check time and knew Ken was on his way, she has to tell Dan to leave.. she told Dan she has things very important to do and her boyfriend was on his way down and she don’t want him to meet him.. he need to leave, Dan asked for her number she gave him and ask him to call her before coming next time, he stood up and walked him to the door, as she stepped outside Dan bend to hug her, she responded as they clung to each other for sometime…and Dan started kissing her… she tried to pull out but he held her tight and kissed her so passionately.. Zavi struggled to break free but he was too strong for her, she later relax and melt in his arm, they were still kissing and didn’t notice when Ken stood in front of them and was watching, he cleared his throat loudly drawing their attention, with a shock written on their faces…



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