My Journal

My Journal – Episode 3

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By Amah

Journal, I’m happy today and I have a lot to write, a lot to tell you… I’m really happy and grateful for life most especially, I’m also happy that my life is about to turn around, one of the good news is that I don’t put my phone on silent anymore, hahaha, isn’t that funny? my phone is always on because is either I’m expecting a call or I’m calling, hmmm…

I don’t really know how to start writing all that’s in my mind right now…a lot has happen just within 4months since I wrote last here.. was just waiting for a perfect moment to tell you all about it… how do I even start telling you…

well it all started like… well, it all something…haaaaa, I’m just confuse of what to write…don’t want to cancel anything again after this.

Let me start from where I stopped the last time

My name is Zavi, guess you already know that, the last time I wrote in here, I was sad, lonely and afraid of the unseen, especially after my night mare, which seem so real and I was scared to sleep alone after my sister Karen called and couldn’t make it down, well is been three months since then and Karen is getting married in two weeks’ time, which is one of the reasons I’m so happy…

And I will tell you another reason I’m full of smile, I’m really happy journal, the last time I was sad and teary…but I’m not, any tear drop now will be of joy not of sadness.

Journal, I find comfort telling you everything now unlike before, because I know you will understand me and won’t judge me or even contribute, you will only listen and hold my sadness and joy which is all I need, after writing I hide you away where no eyes will see you…because you are meant for me alone… nobody must read you.

so as I was wondering on what to do, because I couldn’t sleep in the house alone, Gina called and we spoke for a long time just like old lost friends that finally unite, she talked about her husband and her daughter, she’s married to a wonderful man according to her, and she has been married for 5years with a daughter, she told me how after marriage she had delay in getting pregnant for like 3years, but God finally hard their prayer, her baby Miracle, who she called Mimi is a year and 2months, and her husband Bobby, is a man sent from God to her… she talked about a lot of things, she talked about her sister, Jane, who is in abroad, living her life… and the most important part was that she begged me to come over so that we can catch up and I told her that’s not possible, she asked for my address, which I hesitated and then later gave her, found out that we were living in same town, she moved to this town with a husband after the birth of their child, because of the husband work. Her place was just 2hour drive from mine, she said she was coming over with her daughter, I told her it wasn’t a good Idea, that I will come over. Well she sent address and I was over at her place, was actually happy that I didn’t have to sleep in that house with my visionary intruder scaring me off, I quickly pack up few things and off I went…

It was just two bedroom and a living, not much of a luxury but it was comfortable, I hugged, and laugh so hard, she really grew into a beautiful woman, I met her daughter, husband who was actually everything she said he was, we talked about everything, she told me how she has been trying to get across to me for years, until she finally stumbled on Karen’s details, who later gave her my access, I told her little about me not really going into details, she was still kind hearted as usual but I wasn’t ready to fall for that and open up on my real story, her mum cheated on the dad, and he was devastated which later killed him, her dad passed leaving her mum and them, her mum has never stopped feeling guilty since then, she sometimes goes to his grave just to spend time with him, well… is actually the things she could have done while he was alive, but she was busy with politicians, traveling up and down and waxing muscle at the poor, meeehnnn I felt like slapping her at that moment, but she wasn’t there and Gina has forgiven her who are mine not to, after all we all make mistake, well, Gina said she has repented, and now care more for the poor and those she would have taking care off long time ago, she doesn’t travel again like before but dedicate herself serving the community, she said when they hard about my parents… they where sober for days, Jane wish to ask for forgiveness, same with their mum but nobody hard anything about us… her brother was searching for a long time and later gave up, they later tried to reach us but we were gone like thin air nobody could give information about us, it was with the help of her husband they were able to track Karena down through her mobile number just recently… and she was happy to inform Ken and he was very happy.

We talked for long, I told her about Karen and Jake, she was happy and even volunteer to support in anyway she can, she told me about her brother who moved out after their father passed and has refused talking to their mum since then, despite that she begged for forgiveness severally but he wasn’t ready to forgive her, he live in another state and doesn’t visit her or take her calls, he doesn’t even go to their family house, he was really hurt the way their mother treated their father when he was alive and to crown it all she was cheating also and was rubbing it on their father’s face until he couldn’t take it anymore and became depress… she said the brother maybe visiting this weekend because he comes at least ones in a month

Journal, hmmm.. I was really happy to hear that they really regretted all they did especially their mum and Jane, but there was one question on my mind that was stock in my throat… I couldn’t ask… I was tempted to ask if her brother Ken was married but I have to rethink…don’t want to sound so stupid or desperate…. Even if he wasn’t, he will not date my type… but why will I think of him… I even sound desperate to myself but I just wanted to know that’s all, but I waited for Gina to say something on that, she never did, but she talked about other things.. I was happy to see her again… she told me she has never stopped writing down in her journal.. Just like an old habit for her…even her husband understand that part about her, she asked what I did with the journal she gave me… if I trashed it… i just said no… I didn’t trash it… I wasn’t ready to speak further on that so she senses it and dropped it…she has a mini library, and all the journal she wrote her life troubles and happiness is packed up there.. She took me to the side of the room she created specially for books…I was really impress..

We had dinner and later retire to bed, I slept in the spare room…there wasn’t a night mare, I was happy.

I spend two days with them and it really felt so warm to be around…she didn’t want me to leave but I have to go… her brother was coming for her visit and he want to surprise him with me… that I should just wait until he comes, he will be delighted to see me, well I will be delighted to see him too, I wanted to even stay one week if possible so that I can avoid going to my place and I know Gina won’t mind.. but I just have to face my fears,despite I was afraid to go back to my place that’s full of nightmare and loneliness… but I wasn’t going to over stay myself in her place, her husband said he will drop me off after he sees Ken.. so I waited… as we were still speaking a big car pulled up in front of their house… I don’t really know names of car but it was a blue jeep… Gina rushed out the husband followed suit… then I was looking through the window when I saw this fine young man, step down and Gina threw herself into his arm, he hugged her for a long time and later released her, he gave Bobby a handshake as they exchange pleasantry, he collected the baby from, Bobby, and threw her into the air and caught her up as the little girl giggled… the man was really cute, he doesn’t look like teenage Ken, who was very slim and tall with big eyes… this man is huge and handsome too, maybe they are expecting another visitor, probably Ken was still on his way…I was just watching through the window as they approach I sat straight up in the cushion and pretend to watch television, as they entered the living room and saw me Gina asked the young man to guess who I am.. he just looked at me like a fancied item… a smile crossed his mouth, he whispered something to Gina in her ear and Gina smile too and turn to me, she asked if I reorganize him… and as I looked at him closely, I knew that was Kendrick but I wasn’t ready to play the guessing game or to fantasize on him I smile.. I pretend like I don’t know him… Journal he was really cute with fine eyes.. I was already shaking inside as he was there, I pretend and said no… I don’t reorganize him… he smile as he if he knew my thought and said “Zavi, I bet you do”… he was laughing and his laughter was making me to laugh also, I couldn’t hold it in as we all laughed… he came close to me as I thougth he was trying hug me but he shake me instead just like he did to Bobby… he said..Zavi, thought we won’t get to see again, you have really grown into an adorable woman… how you are and how’s your sister… hard about your parents… I know is been a long time.. I’m truly sorry for your lost.. I know life happens… I was speechless because he thinks I was “adorable” he was saying something but I wasn’t listening I was just thinking that he actually said I’m ‘adorable’ Karen was more beautiful than I am… so the word ADORABLE can be used for her not me, but since he thinks so, I will hang onto that. he was so close to me that I can smell his cologne… I was surprisingly stable…the handshaking suddenly stopped and left me with some kind of feeling. Couldn’t look into his eyes…so I looked at other things as I answer his questions, that’s what I do when somebody makes me uncomfortable.. we all sat and gist as mimi slept in his arm…Gina came and carried her… he later stood up to get something from the car and came back… he asked Gina why she didn’t inform him that I was around…she told him that she wanted to surprise him.. we all laugh… later in the evening I was ready to go, but everyone insist I stay till tomorrow because Kendrick want to take everybody out for shopping spree and I must be part of it… well I stayed… who wouldn’t, since is shopping something… hahaha.. but Ken was already making me uncomfortable, so I really wanted to go because he kept looking at me and smiling…before I embarrass myself in front of everyone… the look was just on and off to the extent I didn’t know where to look again…he was confusing my every move…and that what I didn’t want… but I gave in.. and we all went out, had fun and came back late and Kendrick say he wasn’t going home and his not staying at the hotel despite there’s no more room for him to sleep in, he said he was going to sleep anywhere available, and the living room was the only available place, Gina and her husband and daughter takes the master bedroom and I’m at the visitor room, he said he will sleep in the living room… Gina was surprise, she said he hardly sleep over at her place, if is too late he will go to a hotel and leave the following morning, and he was even ready to sleep in the living room because there was no more room left… Gina said is probably because of me, I didn’t know what to make out off that I still haven’t ask if he was married and nobody said anything about it, we gist as we sat in the living room.

Later Gina and Bobby went to their room leaving me with him, we talked about other things and he still didn’t mention if he was married, have a woman or a child… and I didn’t go into deep details about myself.. I later told him I was going to sleep and we said good night and I went into the spare room and couldn’t sleep for a long time.. I was awake most part of the night… imagining a lot of things I finally managed to sleep and sleep to the following morning.. When I woke up it was 8 o’clock already, I came out and saw everyone was almost dress… I forgot it was Sunday… Gina apologized for not waking me… she didn’t want to disturb me… I looked around the living room but Kendrick was not there… I was bruised real hard… I was already angry, how could he leave just like that…not even a good bye or maybe a hug… I sounded so stupid in my mind, Gina asked if I can follow them to service… I can’t remember the last time I entered a church… but I needed something to keep busy, I don’t want to stay alone or start going home that morning since there was nothing at home for me. I said yes… I went inside and dress up, I was angry…boiling inside… I already asking why he has to come at first place… he was probably married that’s why he has to rush back… without a word… but he wasn’t putting on any wedding band… I know his type… the type that will probably deceive some young girls, that’s why he never mentioned it…mitchewwww….rubbish!.. Although he doesn’t look like that but is not written on forehead…well journal..i was angry with him… and was already saying all manner of things to him in my mind

When I came out I was shocked to see him standing in at the passage and smiling… I felt happy and guilty, happy to see him and guilty for causing and getting angry and I never bother to check if his car was outside, I couldn’t help but say as he greeted me…Good morning Ken, I thought you have left…his reply was so good to my soul… “Zavi.., com on, how possible is that.. I can’t leave without seeing you, guess I was in the bathroom when you woke up.

We got to church and i couldn’t help but join in the praises just like everyone else and as I praise and sing one of the those old church song my spirit was lifted, I sang not caring who was beside me as I lift my hands in worship…it felt so good to be there.. I forgot my fears and disappointments I was just drinking in the sweet melody… it wasn’t a fire fire prayer… or binding and casting it was a just a song… and it penetrated deep, I was happy… right there in the church… I started talking to God… I found words to call him great names, I began to thank him for every blessing he has blessed me with… the ones I see and acknowledge and the ones I don’t see, I told him I was sorry for everything, I asked him to help me repent totally because I can’t do it myself…I prayed inwardly as I bow my head…tears gathered in my eyes… I didn’t want anybody to notice so I tried to blink it back but it still rush down my cheek, I felt somebody grabbed my left hand… I opened my eyes Ken was looking at me… he smiled and gently squeezed my hand.

After service, we went home, we all joined hand in the kitchen to prepare lunch, Gina, me and Ken cooked, funny, but he was good in the kitchen.. Bobby was watching mimi.. After lunch which was great’ we relax in the living room as we gist over other things… I felt at home… feeling that I haven’t had in a long while, when it was time for me to go… Gina felt like crying so do I too but I promise to visit again as Ken insist on dropping me off, when I got home, it felt all quiet… Ken asked if he can come in and I said sure… as we sat in the living room… he told me that Gina said I wasn’t dating… I was surprise that they have been talking about me behind my back which he said he only the asked about me from Gina and she said I’m not seeing anybody, we talked and I also found out he was not seeing anyone too. He stayed up talking, I felt so comfortable talking with him he also with me…we talked about the mum too and I felt his hurt, he said he doesn’t want to talk about her because I won’t understand. I changed the topic, before we realize it was late and he said he was going to get a hotel to sleep and will stop by the next morning before going back. I asked him why he didn’t want to stay over at my place and want to go and check into a hotel? He said he didn’t want to inconvenient me … and it wasn’t a good idea.. I insisted he later agreed and we went out together had dinner and chill out a little while before coming home… I was so happy that the house was warm with his presence, after I got ready for the night he also, he will sleep in the living and I will stay in my only bedroom as usual, but as I lay down in my room, I knew that I can’t sleep knowing well he is in my living room and just as I was thinking of it I had a knock on my room door, I quickly rush up, pretend to be sleepy when I got to the door, I yawned so lazily so that he will think he woke me up, but who will believe that one knock will just awaken me like that and with the speed I flew to the door, maybe I shouldn’t deceive myself because he may notice that I was only pretending probably waiting for him to knock… he stammered at first before asking if he can get a pillow, just to lay his head, I rush back to the bed a grab one of my pillows and gave him, he thanked me and apologized for waking me up… I just watch him standing in front of me…he was something to admire, well built, full lips, cute eyes and well-shaped mustache, I was drooling all over expecting him to ask one question that’s in my heart, journal do you know the question I wish for… well, I will tell you…the question I wish for him to ask was “Zavi, can I join you on the bed, the living room is kinda cold”or kinda hot, whichever that suit him… that was it but he never asked.. He choose to be a gentle man and walked right back to the living room, I was disappointed but my emotion was running so fast… I followed him and ask the question instead, because I was thinking he was shy… I ask him if he will like to join me in the bedroom and I was expecting a positive answer…because I thought that’s what every man will like but he stood there for some time without answering immediately and then said “no Zavi, I don’t want to inconvenient you further, I told him he wasn’t… he said .. Thanks Zavi, but I will just sleep on the cushion.. I ask him if he was sure.. he said yes.. he was very sure.. I was so ashamed of myself, I quickly turned and held back to the room… I felt so stupid as I lie awake in my room regretting why I even ask such question, making him think I’m cheap. How do I even undo that…can’t even look him in the face again because ones beaten twice shy…just as the saying goes.

Finally, morning came and I stood up to prepare for the day… not even knowing how to approach him… I wasted time in the room before coming out… he was the first to greet me with a smile.. I still couldn’t look at him but replied sheepishly, he ask how I slept I told him fine. I entered the kitchen he joined in, asking if I don’t mind if he helps out… well we both made breakfast together quietly.. I didn’t know what to say guess same to him, and I couldn’t look him up.. he noticed and ask if I was okay and I reply with a resounding yes, still not looking at him.. we ate breakfast silently.. he was looking at me all through all I couldn’t look up at him..i was feeling nervous all through… we finish washing up the dishes, and he got ready to leave, he asked me again if I was okay making it the fourth time he was asking, I told him why he keep asking me that… and he said he just want to know… I told him I’m fine, as I walk him to the door he stood there staring at me.. he took my hands into his, and said, “Zavi, you haven’t even looked at me this morning, you where lively last night and so quiet this morning, what’s the problem, did I do anything wrong, I’m sorry if I did unknowingly, please look at me” I looked up at him he continued… you have a lovely eyes, is it about last night?… I told him, no, that I was fine, he said, “ Zavi, I can’t share your room with you… that will just be too much, it will be like I’m taking advantage of you… couldn’t do that..and…and I’m sorry if that get you angry..I’m really sorry Zavi.. He stopped talking and lowered his eyes to my mouth, I thought he wanted to kiss me.. I was willing and ready for that, but he just ask if he can hug me… I was happy inwardly…but wanted more, since I was good with pretense… I kept mute, I didn’t say yes or no I just fully looked up at him for the first time that morning… and he smile and drew me gentle into his arms, I just buried myself in his warm body, he loosened and kissed my forehead just like a father will do to his daughter before heading out into his car, waved goodbye and he zoomed off, I went about my day carrying him in my thought all the time, he called in the evening and the following day, he called like 5times in a day…my phone is always close to me, Gina also visited me and we talked about her brother and Gina confessed how he was asking if I’m married or seeing anyone… she talked about how he has always liked me, and can’t wait to ask me for a date…well I was enjoying the talk, didn’t want Gina to stop.

Journal, well me and Ken has been dating for like 3months now…and his everything a woman will pray to have in a man, I have visited him ones at his base… his house is so fine, well decorated. Furnished with one of my best colors. Green mix with blue, he cooks so well and he is so handsome…I don’t know if I have written that down before, If I start writing about him I will cover this whole page, his amazing and treat me so special…like an egg or let me say like diamond… and he is truly a gentle man, yes we have kissed but not as I expected it to be, I was actually the one that did that when he won’t make a move and keep kissing my cheek and fore head like a little girl, I grabbed his lips into mine like ice cream, he was shocked at first and relaxed a bit but later pulled off, he was blushing all over, and started apologizing which I was the one that suppose to do that, but I wasn’t going to apologized for what I always wanted.

We haven’t kissed since then… journal his coming to get me and I will be spending weekend over there… for the first time… I hope he will make the move this time around and kiss me the way I have always wanted… is hard to say but I loved him right from the first day I saw him at Gina’s place… or is it my emotion… he shopped for me, takes me to different places I haven’t been to before… he also gives me whatever I want

I’m so happy that this kind of men really do exist…I pray he won’t change later. I know my God that brought him to me won’t allow that…because I’m so into him right now… he calls me all the time that’s why I won’t dare put my phone on silent so that I don’t miss his call. If I’m busy and couldn’t take the call I will call him back right away.. and the best part of this is that I haven’t had night mare like the first time ever since I met him,

His on his way down and he… kpomm kpomm!!!

Zavi ran to the door as she hard a knock on the door, hoping it will be Kendrick..



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