Why I Will Remain Single - A Short Story

Why I Will Remain Single – A Short Story

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Before Valentine, After Valentine (Why I will remain Single)

I met this girl and my world started rotating anticlockwise. Being single was the worst thing that ever happened to me, my friends were either dating one lucky girl, cheating, or being cheated upon. If you happen to cheat, you are safe, but if you are cheated upon, you have two things involved, is either you are a side chick or Mr.Otua (Supplier).

I don’t fit in any of these categories, I am just single, my shadow kraa has left me…

It was the 13th of February, and Valentine was just some hours away, one of my silliest friends Trailer has dared me in the midst of some nice ladies to get myself a girlfriend, he claimed am not good at toasting girls to fall into my arms, even heaven knows am not only good at toasting girls with the best of words, I can grill them too..Whaaat?….Get a girlfriend before Valentine, and attend the Apples and Bananas movie premier with her?…which kind nonsense, where am I going to get that kind of impromptu fantasy girl from, I wished downloading girls from Google play store were possible, but nope..I have been tested to the limit. Speaking to any girl of any caliber wasn’t a big deal to me, am I a writer filled with sugarcoated vanilla flavored poetic lines, any type of words I speak to any girl is enough to make her wish she had met me early on in life…Ah well!!!

Me, to be very frank, I enjoy seeing slim girls papa, I don’t really know why, but I’ll ask my Dad about that later, anytime I see a slim girl, I said slim ooo….not boney…I mean a slim girl with valuables, curved and carved like the coca cola bottle…The one in the glass bottle, not the plastic ones. Mtcheeew!!…Anytime I see this kind of girls, my mind immediately replicates the movies “Fifty shades of Gray”, in my own version…I have to seek medical attention on that one too.

Coming back to the girl, she seem to have closed from lectures, her dusty feet revealed she has nobody to pick her up on a motorbike or car, because me I know that, beautiful girls like her type in UDS Wa campus sit on motorbikes after lectures, or maybe flashy cars….Me, I have none of them…I walk like a camel every single minute.

I continued looking at her as she snaked through the bushed that led to the trotro station, I quickly went to my friend Shaker and handed my backpack to him

Shaker: Ah, where you dey go, ano fi carry your bag la

Me: adey come, I lef my chop box for room inners

Shaker: Whaat? You say you lef weytin? Chop box?

Me: Errmm charger

Shaker: Ah, abi I get my charger for here, you fi use am

I didn’t wait to listen to any of his time wasting questions, before he could say jack, I was long gone…

I went to the trotro station; she was already seated in this rickety trotro, luckily, I got a seat near her and composed myself to the best gentleman composure…..

She was headed to town, I was going there too…”Everywhere you dey ago dey der ooo”…

She was looking strictly at her outmoded IPhone 5s; I swear she didn’t have data because no message appeared when she opened whatsapp, the mobile data was on…she was just showing off. I pushed myself back and pulled out my Samsung S7 edge, the direction of her eyes was encouraging. She’s in love already.

She: Errmm, please, what time is it? I need to set mine

Me: Oh, Errmm do you want the one on my S7 or the one on my watch? I also have time on my yam phone

She: Lol, I just need time, correct time

Me: Oh okay, its 12:15Am Senorita

She: Thank you. And what’s Senorita?

Me: A young lady, that how the Hispanophones say it in Spain

She: Oh okay, by the way am Jaymilla

Me: Jaymilla as in Jamila?

She: No, Jaymilla as in Jaymilla

Me: Nice name

She: You? Do you have a name?

Me: Am Danny Biitka, aka Danny, aka Biitka

She: Danny Biitka?

Me: Yeah

She: As in the writer?

Me: Yeah

She: Are you serious?

Me: Am not laughing, am I?

She: Wow I have read a lot from you though, I heard you were in Wa Uds, but never knew I will get to meet you, am your number one fan.

If you have never felt your brain breath, today mine just did, she’s easy going, too nice to be sitting in a trotro; I should have been driving her in my car. Am not romantic kraaaaa

Me: So you do read my write ups and you don’t know my face?

She: Yeah, Diary of a Legonite, Defiled and The Incarnate nu, and your poems just makes me go cloud nine…

Me: Wha?

This revelation was more than a stepping stone to me, it was a stepping mountain, we engaged in a lot of chit chats, campus life and etc.; she asked a lot of questions regarding my stories.

I know she intentionally did that, girls have trust issues, I knows she was checking to see whether I was the original Danny Biitka or a China Danny Biitka…I passed the mind test..

Her smile,dimple,the ebony glow complexion and the snow white set of perfectly arranged teeth made her look like the goddess of beauty In the Greek mythodology,she looked nervous because I was staring at her seriously and wickedly, Herr!!..I wasn’t here to joke, I abandoned an African Studies class just to chase you wai…

We soon reached the Wa township market were we both alighted

She: Errmm am going to buy some foodstuffs

Me: Oh, me, I came to buy maize

She: Whaat? Maize?

Me: Errmm, just joking, need some veggies

She: Hahahaa, you are very funny and interesting

Me: Lol, you are the 23rd millionth person telling me this

She: Really?

Me: Yes, not really

She laughed her heart out as we bought the stuffs needed from the market, I knew I didn’t need any of the veggies I was picking because we just bought some two days ago, the rest we have in the kitchen it enough to sustain us till over Moro, but here I am, buying things aimlessly.

We were done and soon looking for a car, I voluntarily chattered a Mahama Cambuu (Tricycle) to take us back to our hostels, luckily, she stayed few blocks away from my hostel, which sounded like glory to my ears, like a sound of victory, and to spice it up…she lived alone in her room…That one too is a plus.

The tricycle soon docked at her place and I helped her bring her things to her verander,she asked to prepare some jollof rice, which I didn’t dare reject, I gave her my number after she agreed to call me when it’s ready. Like a king, I sat in the rickety tricycle as it smoked it way towards my hostel Fanco.

I met my friends in the room, they had closed from lectures some hours ago, and when they saw me, Insults and heckles filled my ears for the next three minutes.

Shaker: So you go follow that shoddy errr?

Me: Wene shoddy that?

Shaker: That shoddy wey we met for the clinic der nu

Me: Ah, naa, I go buy veggies

Shaker: Ah, but we get some

Trailer: Massa komot, you go follow sombro in shoddy errr?

Me: Make you guys shun dey talk nonsense

I quickly washed down and rebrushed my nearly white teeth; my phone was on loud speaker for the first time in many times, I cannot dare miss that jollof call.

Changing into my short tommy Hilfiger shorts, I marched it with a white shirt to prove that, I still have some amount of sexiness in me…Am not all that a timber log ooo.

My guys were suspecting me, they knew I was up to something, but they just didn’t know what, they asked questions but got chicky answers.

It was almost 4pm when the glorious call came through, I was almost tired of waiting, which kind of jollof takes almost three hours to prepare?, I told her I will be on my way immediately.

One foolish friend swore heavens he was gonna follow me, he was not changing his mind, and I was not also ready to share that jollof with him…With the intervention of Shaker, he was forced to stay…

“Sia boy, I be your baby sitter? na me take you come school”? I told him as I hurried off to my destination.

I was greeted by her flamboyant smile when I got to her door, my heart recorded 3 beats per second, I just got to know her today, and the next minute, am entering her room to swallow some jollof…Ah well!!

It was almost the best jollof I have ever tested, just that it was a little behind mine, when it comes to preparing jollof, I have been naturally gifted with the almighty recipes. Am serious.

She served me with this fruit juice, and to even spice it up, she brought out her laptop and started a movie which soon drown us.

We had a lengthy chat whiles watching the movie, relationship talks was the optimus prime, I was the one that diverted the convo there, but whatever she said concerning her relationship life wasn’t clear,I wasn’t sure whether she was dating,single,cheating or being cheated upon. We exchanged phones to view each other’s gallery, I stole the chance and slipped into his whatsapp and messages to check if I’ll get any trace of a guy grooming her or not. I didn’t get any…Maybe she’s a timber log like me.

Before I knew, it was almost 8pm, I quickly asked to leave, she was a bit uncomfortable due to the recent attacks by armed robbers in our neighborhood, and I assured her I will be fine.

But wait ooo; was she expecting me to spend the night with her or what? I asked myself as I bid her goodnight and promised to get back to her the next day.

Some thirty minutes after I had settled in my room, she called to ask whether I arrived safely, we spoke for some time, she asked me to escort her to the saloon for her to plait her hair, I agreed…What a joy it is, for me to escort her, Is a once in a lifetime experience, is not every guy who gets that chance, escorting a girl to the saloon.

14th February, today is the valentine day, I have never in my lifetime given much attention to this day, it just comes and go like any other day, but for today, am escorting a girl to the saloon, then I’ll later invite her to the premier of the Apples and Bananas movie…Against will burn to ashes today…Proposing to her immediately wouldn’t look fatal, if a girl has a crush on you, and you do too…you have to tell her before anything happens, she might be crushing on another guy somewhere too. Be there!!…But I am not proposing to her today…Nope.

I have lectures at 3pm,so I knew I had sometime to spare,she called around nine 12:32Am to ask for my whereabout,I quickly dressed up in this casual wear and borrowed my friends motorbike,he only gave it out after I assured him I’ll refill the tank after using it.

Jaymilla was surprised and happy when she saw me appear with the motorbike, she didn’t know I could ride, I told her the motorbike wasn’t mine before she could ask for the rightful owner.

We got to the saloon after some twenty minutes ride,soon,hair natural hair was soon disappearing a giving way for this articial hair that sparked out the hidden part of her beauty, I continued staring at hair, she wasn’t nervous now, she returned the glances coupled with some lips movement which I couldn’t decipher, which I wished I could.

I waited and waited and urinated and drunk water like thousand times, my phone was running low, and her hair was nowhere near finishing.

That is when I realized I have been doped by the girl, I now understand why guys don’t escort girl to the saloon when they go to plait their hair, and the something is time wasting and time taking.

If you want to measure the degree of patience God has planted into you, escort a girl to the saloon, especially when she’s going to plait, you will smile through your nostrils…

I did my best to hide my impatience, she threw petty smiles at me which kind of encouraged me to relax, after some hours, she was done, and I also realized I had missed another lectures…Just for her k3k3!!.

We were soon on our way back to our hostels, we spoke less on the road, she folded her arms around my waist that really made my caricatures resurrect to a renewed life, I am not used to girls touching me, If they do, I just pull myself away like some kind of reflex action, but this one de3, I wished she continues till thy kingdom come.

We came to her place and I asked her to go see the movie premier with me

She: Yeah, I will be coming

Me: Oh cool, I’ll go change and come pick you up, it almost time

She: Oh okay, But I have my ticket already, I bought it from a friend

Me: Oh okay, nice

I went to my place, my friends were already gone, I quickly dashed into the washroom and too a shower, dressed my goatee beard and steamed my face, the best deodorant was used, and a body splash completed the deal. I appeared in this white Polo Shirt gently tucked into a blue-black trouser to match my black “ring my bell shoe”, my Hermes belt hook matched my Rolex watch, the bracelets kept a perfect finish on my wrist. I was so fly now, believe me.

Ridding to her place, she was locking up her room, she looked so explicit and so bewitching, I kept looking at her from the rear mirror as we went towards the event venue.

She: Please stop staring at me like that

Me: I wish I can

She: Lol

Me: Yeah

Her phone kept ringing through our the journey, mine was also ringing, I knew it was my friends calling to know my where about, I soon packed in front of the hall, she jumped up and started looking round, like she’s looking for someone, we walked to the balcony and I just witnessed what I couldn’t describe in real words, even though I have a lot of them.

The girl was hugging this guy who kept making attempts to French kiss her, she wasn’t looking at my direction mpo,I was already heated up and I wished the earth swallowed me up, what did I do to deserve this, so that whole time I was hovering over a land with land guards? I was so bored with myself and angry at her; she boldly bid me luck and promised to call me after the show….What? Call me? She will walk back to her place in Jesus name, see witch ooo.

I went haphazardly into the theatre when the movie was almost started, I saw my guys and was lucky they reserved a seat for me, I couldn’t contribute to their convo,I didn’t one any of them to ask me about the girl. The movie which was supposed to be fun appeared like some cannibal movie o me…I was seeing stars.

From where I was seated, I could see her with that guy (Idiot), she coiled herself into his arms as they watched the movie…

Two minutes to the climax, I dashed out with my friends and we left the venue, I still didn’t talk to any of them, not until Shaker asked about the girl….I nearly cried had teary eyes.

Trailer: Charley Danny, I talk you say she be sombro in woman, ano talk you?

Me: She be yawa paa

Shaker: What she do you

Me: Nothing ooo

Trailer: Make you dawg am…

Looking so sad and broken, her name appeared on my phone in what appeared to be a phone call, I picked it up and said nothing, at least she should waste her credit like how I wasted my time.

I’m in bed now, bored and angry, don’t pm me to heckle me or ask me anything, or else I will cry at your expense. I swear believe me, and don’t ask me for my relationship status or else how I will not beat the hell out you errr.

© Danny Biitka
All Rights Reserved.

 

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7 thoughts on “Why I Will Remain Single – A Short Story

  • February 16, 2018 at 2:02 pm
    Permalink

    Ode, you wasted the chance she gave you….. Yo7 should ve act maturely and f*** her like hell

    Reply
  • February 16, 2018 at 3:23 pm
    Permalink

    Ehya I feel your pain bro

    Reply
  • February 17, 2018 at 3:49 pm
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    Bro whats is your relationship status, single or married? Lols

    Reply
  • February 18, 2018 at 9:59 pm
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    It’s hurt though, but it happens to both sex, if you hear my side of story hmmmmm

    Reply

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