© Christabel Hilda Anani. (Loudest Thoughts)
“Commitment is like the tree on which the fruit grows, if you can’t don’t attempt”
I just finished doing some laundry, I insist on doing my own laundries. I got used to the African lifestyle during my Nigerian times. Since I got back the washing machine could rest.
Was busy chewing on something when the bell rang. Opening the door, I saw Clyde standing there like he hasn’t slept in days.
Clyde: Can I come in.
Me: ermm yeah sure, i walked with him to where I was sitting earlier. I was stealing glances, checking him out.
We sat for a while until he asked the whereabouts of my parents. Since they were not around, he just had to tell me what he came for.
Clyde: So I will go straight to the point, If you will still have me, am ready to do this now.
This house though am not sure, but I think you are right. Who would want to be with me after the harm I have caused.
By the way I brought my things from the hotel. Is it okay if i move in now? I mean if am going to spend my life in here, I must as well start right away.
Babs say something, is this not what you want. Or have I said something wrong again?
I finally found my voice, I didn’t think he would do it, I admire him now more for this i was tempted to just take everything I said back.
But there is my family, I mean this my decision is also about them, More about my own fears, and my insecure state than forgiving him.
Me: Clyde I didn’t think you would even consider it. Ermm come let me help you with the bags, then we can talk.
After what looks like 10 minutes, we were done. He didn’t bring a lot of things so it was quick, am yet to make space for his stuffs.
We sat on the bed opposite each other, with my hands hanging on my cheeks as if i was in a trance i listened to him as he spoke.
Clyde: Am here now, what? And one more thing I wasn’t able to finalize selling of the business.
How are we going to go about that?
Me: You know that’s a requirement for this to work.
But thats fine, so far as it gets done. Am sorry too for doing this by the way.
Clyde: I understand you can’t trust me now.
And so sorry for walking out on your family, I love you Babs. Nothing will change that not even your Dad, He then came closer, held me in a tight hug I couldn’t help but let the tears flow.
Clyde: Its’ okay, we are going to be fine.
In the evening we finally had that talk with my Dad, which from every indication shows he has no plans of giving up.
I understand him sometimes; when you think you are impotent and out of the blues after 9 good years you are blessed with a beautiful girl, you would want to be over protective.
Throughout the conversation, he made small talks.
Like; so far as you are happy, i will be watching closely, he better not do anything Funny
Who would have thought, I would be sleeping on the same bed with Clyde. We have been sleeping on the same bed every now and then, sometimes I take the couch.
During the day I go to work, whiles he stays home.
Once I make sure he has food to eat, he likes my meals so no laziness this time.
He tells me he stays in doors, which is beginning to be boring, He can’t stand my dad’s attitude, mum however has been helpful.
Clyde takes the time to help my brothers out with assignments.
Their football games i can’t keep up with. And it’s nice to get home and be greeted by your husband with a kiss. Though it was supposed to be the other way round.
It’s been 3 weeks and he hasn’t touched me yet and am gradually burning inside, pride on his side. On my side am sure it’s just fear of what I should expect.
It’s been long, yes i know that but I sure have no expectations, I’m beginning to think he is paying me back for this arrangement. I mean am I the bad one here, I love this man so much.
And he hurt me pretty bad, now am not sure what I have ahead of me, I was talking to myself silently when he came in from a run. I was just staring at him, as if there is something different about him.
Clyde: Why, what’s going on i just went for a run.
Me: Yeah I know, Is it now a crime to admire you.
Clyde: No, but I just have a feeling that’s just not it.
Me: Clyde am fine, I just have something I want to ask you.You okay right, everything is fine between us?
I hope whatever we have going on here isn’t affecting us. You are not angry over anything right? The tears started flowing.
Clyde: Hey Babs, are you okay.
What is it, has someone done something to you. He came closer and i just zoomed on his lips like I was hungry.
I could see him struggling to let go, when I was busy pulling off his shorts. As if he knew I wasn’t going to stop, he pulled away by force.
Leaving me on the bed, then he was walking around the room with his hand scratching his head.
Me: What is it, Are you punishing me for something. You haven’t touched me in 3weeks, what kind of emotional trauma is this.
Clyde: It’s not like that, I want to Babs, trust me, But I just can’t.
Me: What are you afraid of? Me? Were you not the same person some months back you were so eager to sleep with me if I had let go. He wasn’t saying anything anymore, so I just walked out which he tried to stop me.
I didn’t plan going out that afternoon, but I drove to work. Finished up some paper work, when I got home, He had already eaten, courtesy my mum.
I just answered; Fine, Took my bath and went straight to bed, while he was busy with some papers. I couldn’t tell when he came to bed, but I was awoken by his hands running all over me i relaxed for some time and turned around facing him.
Clyde: sorry about this morning, I have a reason for that.
Promise you won’t get mad or associate that to my past
Me: Okay, which is what. Talk am listening.
Clyde: Just look down.
Me: what should I be looking at?
Clyde: Babs don’t tell me you can’t see what’s going on here.
Me: Clyde, just speak up, I‘m not really in the mood to guess now.
Clyde: See, I can’t get it up Babs.
He pointed down to his pajamas.
Me: Is that it? Okay can I sleep now please.
Clyde: Is that what you have to say, I thought you were complaining earlier.
Me: What should I say? You call me at this time of the night, just to tell me you can’t get it up, When you haven’t even tried yet, and you expect me to be happy about it?
Clyde: Babs look at me, am not lieing, you know me when am lieing.
Me: Well am not sure if I know you anymore.
Clyde: Please am not lieing.
This was the main reason I couldn’t sleep with those girls back in Nigeria.
Me: Ooh so you are implying you would have if it were the opposite.
Clyde: I didn’t say that, please if we are going to make this relationship work, you have to at least give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Am here now, I did exactly as you want, and I said I love you, What proof do you need again, Please Babs.
Me: As if you gave me any, I said silently.
Okay, what do you want me to do? No the question is, was this before you decided to sleep out or when.
Clyde: Do we have to go into this again please?
Me: I thought you wanted solutions to your problem down there, then answer my questions.
Clyde: I hope this doesn’t change anything between us. You remember those early mornings I get angry unnecessarily, it was because I couldn’t get it off sometimes, I had to force myself which you end up sleeping early.
Me: Yes I remember, you always blame me for sleeping early, You knew this and you still blamed me.Why didn’t you talk to me, am beginning to think the girls were to test your theory. Which failed and would have made your so called revenge then successful. Is the fault from me or you?
No wonder you said am not good in bed, meaning am the problem. Was I not attractive enough, what wasn’t I doing right.
Clyde: Babs until when will you stop bringing this up, I guess my whole life, I just have to get used to it. This doesn’t make me love you the least, but maybe if I don’t have to stay in the same house with your Dad, I would have tried a lot harder.
Me: What is that supposed to mean. Is my Dad holding your manhood? Were you not the one who decided to enter every LovePeddler you see
Clyde: Babs sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.
And I didn’t sleep with any LovePeddler, not after we got married, I only kept it a secret because I didn’t want you to worry.
Me: It does get me worried, when you keep such things from me.
Clyde: But am telling you now, I want to be with you, but we will need time, if you are up for it I will be glad. I finally calmed down after some few talks here and there.
Me: Let’s talk tomorrow I then tried to sleep, but was awake watching him sleep all-night, I thought of peeping to see what he was actually referring to as I didn’t take a look earlier.
No wonder, since Clyde moved in, we only go beyond his belly, he has become so protective of touching him down there. No doubt, he sleeps like a prince.
I remember the first week after he moved in. He either takes his bath when am not around or when am fast asleep, but this doesn’t call for hiding his body from me, unless there’s something else he is not telling me.
“If I were him, I wouldn’t even try keeping another secret”. “I thought to myself”
I love this prince, I will definitely forgive him one day. Until that happens, let me try and give him my support, since then we try so many times in a day.
I took some time off to be home. My dad nevertheless complains of our late nights or when we end up not coming home at all, I guess he is getting used to the trend. We decided the arguments and fights are enough. Gradually my heart begins to open up again to forgive him.
But these past month it was more about forgiving myself than forgiving him, i realized when he hurt me, I needed to forgive myself for the guilt i feel.
The many things i thought if i had done right then we wouldn’t be in this situation. i was beginning to feel sorry for him staying home all day, after months of our reunion.
We only go out when I want us to, and end up paying the bills. He feels embarrassed sometimes but can’t complain.He neither touches the allowance i give him. Once he told me he wants to take me out, but had less than what I deserve.
I asked to give him money but then he turned it down claiming that wouldn’t be romantic anymore, he said I should take it like, starting his life afresh. I asked him to sell off his property, not clear his savings as well. Apparently he had cleared before coming here.
And made some pretty much risky investments while leaving. After a week, I was at work when he called telling me he wasn’t feeling well.
I rushed home just to find him all dressed up for a date he booked without my help, I asked where he got the money from since he hasn’t touched what I left.
He wasn’t going to tell me, I just gave up, but I heard from my brothers he did some heavy lifting for my mum. He offered to do that when my mum was going to hire someone.
She refused but he said he can do it for a fee then. Knowing my mum, she might have been more than generous, I did enjoy our date, it felt so good to be pampered outside the house.
Me: Darling, can I suggest something and don’t say, No.
Clyde: Anything for you Babs.
Me: I want you to think of working again I will give you the Capital, and don’t say No.
Clyde: What happened, am I too much of a burden, Besides I hardly buy anything.
Me: Please that’s not it, I feel I made that decision in a haste
And I have no right to rob you of whatever you worked for, am willing to pay all that back.
Clyde: Babs thank you, but I won’t need your money. If you want me to work, then I will but kindly let me do this on my own. I will get a job, save and get something set up so I can have time for you.
Me: Then let me recruit you. My dad’s company is huge enough, we can always create a position for you.
Clyde: I don’t want you having any further problems with your Dad, I will find something, just give me sometime dear.
ME: Am not rushing you, but promise me you will ask for help, if you need it, one thing led to another, all I remembered was we were holding hands talking, by the time we realized the deed has been done and we were panting, with me yelling out I love you, like our first night ever today.
Where I had him all to myself, and took him out of this world, He only smiled and said finally you said it again, Which he replies I love to hear you say that again.
I could feel my body drenched in sweat, when the air-con is still on. You can tell that was a really good one. We had other fierce rounds until evening, That was the breakthrough, we didn’t need any extra therapy to get to work. Since then we never had a problem with our sexual life.
My dad on the other hand keeps looking for our trouble, crushing our moments, I remember him telling Clyde he should keep his shorts zipped , and that his company is not a brothel.
I don’t know where he got that from, Clyde is beginning to think he had cameras installed in my office because there is no way he would have known about our office romance, well that’s his problem.
Up till now Clyde is still looking for a job. He has refused help, but am determined to help without his knowledge. My Dad however cannot stand the fact that I spend most of my times with Clyde.
I remember he once walked in on us in the act, wrapped under the sheets though,which he shouted young man close the damn door next time, before you defile my daughter under my own roof, or Do you need lectures.
I replied Dad knock next time, we are two consenting adults, so am sure the law allows that and he sure knows what he is doing.
Clyde couldn’t help but laugh after he left I admit I have been giving my dad some attitude lately, but I just want him to agree with me regarding my husband being part of the family now.
I refer to him by my husband because there is no other way i can call what we have now. Mum on the other hand has been so helpful, she wants to be the best mother in-law.
After one early morning quickie before work, that has become the trend now, I can’t resist too, I mean I enjoy every bit of it, it gets me fired up for work.
Clyde not knowing bought a ring to be placed on my finger. I told him No, that I love what we have now, we wrote our vow in just one single statement and signed; Love should never elude us again.
After a few thoughts I took the ring, hang it on our bedroom wall together with the vow, which I hope I could re-consider and put on someday.
Which I hope I could re-consider and put on someday and probably we get to move out to our own house. May be when my Dad starts being nice to my partner.
A Big Thanks To Christabel for sharing this story with us. Please drop your comments to encourage the writer.